I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
