Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
