I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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