I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
