My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
