she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
