If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
His hands were made for my vagina.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Randomize
