after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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