I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
