i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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