guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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