Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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