I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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