U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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