When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
