I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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