I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
BRING THE BAGELS
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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