i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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