My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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