You just made me feel so damn special
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
