i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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