You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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