If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
