y did u give ur computer a hand job?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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