I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
