yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
