This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Hippo gnu deer
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Randomize
