it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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