just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
