i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
