After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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