She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
