I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
