She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
