foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
