I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
