i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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