Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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