i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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