i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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