Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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