I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize