You really coming over, don't trick.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
