No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
