I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Randomize
