I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
