She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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