I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
