I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
