My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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