Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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