im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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