he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
My ATM looks so different sober.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
