plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
