put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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