theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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