If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Randomize
