Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
