get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
