sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
