so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
